You Shall Above All Things Be Glad and Young

Would you like to take a survey? Revisited

Oh the days of the survey. Here I am, awake at 11 pm the day before a media event, and I have nothing better to do than hunt down a survey that I took in 2003 and see what my answers would be today. 

THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR( things you can't live without)

Something important on your desk: my steno pad

When you sleep you wear: night gown or boxers/shirt 

If you could afford it at the moment, you would buy: a brand new kitchen, new windows for the upstairs, and new curtains for the downstairs. and some paint.

Something you don't have a lot of: time

If your house was burning and you could only save 3 items what would they be: our cats, my journals, my laptop

MORALS 

If there were no side effects, you would enjoy being addicted to: ugh pepsi and chocolate. pepsi is my downfall. 

A compliment that makes you blush: really no compliments make me blush right now. i've tried to be better about accepting compliments, and accept them graciously.

You are embarassed when: I've learned to laugh at myself in the last three years. This year I called our CEO by the wrong name, so I'd say when I do something retarded like that.

The greatest physical pain you ever endured: It's a toss up between tennis elbow in college and ovarian cysts.

The greatest emotional pain you ever endured: Losing my best friend, and unexpected deaths. Tater passing away was pretty terrible too.

Your best physical feature: eyes

EMOTIONS 

Emotion you hide most: I think I'm pretty good at hiding being really angry, which mostly applies on the tennis court. I always feel bitchy, but people don't know that I'm being bitchy. 

The emotion you tend to experience most: Melancholy would be the historical answer, but it's few and far between these days. 

The emotion you are feeling most lately: I would say a mixture between happy and overwhelmed. Craziness at work, holidays coming up. There's a lot to be grateful for, but also a lot going on.

You have a huge amount of guilt regarding: the death of our cat. Is there something else we could have done? I know there wasn't, but it's only been a few months and it still hits me sometimes.

When you are angry you need: to get away from people so i can cry. it's so annoying that i cry when i'm frustrated. tennis is also a pretty good outlet. unfortunately tennis can't go everywhere with you, which is where the crying comes in.

When you are sentimental you need: to reread old blog/journal entries and listen to music that reminds me of things

When you are in love you need: Denis Pete

MEMORIES 

One of your most peaceful memories: waking up to have tater snuggled up next to me, and falling back asleep.

One of your most tragic memories: the death of the tater was pretty traumatic. also when my aunt and cousin died in a car accident, and when i found out my papa had cancer.

One of your angriest memories: most of these involve middle aged tennis women that refer to me as a high schooler still. i haven't been really angry in quite awhile.

A memory that makes you laugh: i was late to something at work, and when i walked in the employee entrance i involuntarily dropped the cup i was holding on the ground. ice/coke when everywhere. right in front of the ceo. i'm awesome. hopefully my hijinks are endearing haha. 

a memory that makes you happy: thinking about our wedding

FINALLY>>>>>> 

If you had more time alone you would: read and play more tennis

If you had more patience you would: try to learn to play an instrument. 

If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be: my waistlessness. i get it from my mom. my sister has a waist, i want one too!

If you had no committments what would you be doing: playing tennis with all the desperate housewife tennis moms during the day, and then freelance editing. i would be traveling on the side, of course.

If you could start all over.... i wouldn't change a thing. i've learned that things happen for a reason, even if you can't see it right away.

One of my favorite movie endings of all time.

Not sure why it has been on my mind a lot lately. I really should just buy this movie.

 

Do feelings belong in the workplace (or, I cried at work today)?

Crying at work is supposed to be taboo, unless you take the advice of Penelope Trunk and think that it's a myth that should be dispelled.

If you are me, crying at work seems to be unavoidable. No matter how hard I try to hold it in, my neck gets blotchy, my face turns red, and the tears spill over.

Work has been a little crazy the last few days. More for my old and new boss(es?) than for me, I'm sure. A few organizational changes caught me by surprise during an already busy week. I try to roll with the punches, I really do. The changes will probably add to my workload, and in a week where I'm out of the office half the time, thinking about that really stressed me out. Combine that with two cats who don't want to sleep a whole night through and a series of headaches that haven't gone away, and you're left with a tired me. When my boss looked at me in a meeting today and said, "Lindsay, you look overwhelmed," I cracked. I started to cry. I had been holding it in all day, and I couldn't stop it. It just happened. I am such a bad feeling hider! And then if people ask me a question or notice, it's all over and the tears flow.

I wonder if this is a bad thing. Does it show weakness? Usually I cry out of frustration, stress, or anger, which seems to be a typical response according to what I've read. I feel like I should be myself, tears or no tears. I am an ISFJ, after all!

Six Years Ago Today

We would have had Tater for six years too short today. Click here to read the post I wrote on the first day I got her.

Meet the Boys

 

I would like to introduce you to Finnegan and Thorin, our two new additions.

After Tater died, I realized that we needed to start at least interviewing breeders for when it was time to get a new kitten. Once you put a deposit on a kitten that's in a litter, you wait for it to be born and then weaned, which can take 12-16 weeks depending on the breeder. We thought that getting kittens around Christmastime would be perfect, since my job has a holiday shutdown.

I contacted Ciandor Cattery about her kittens, and I knew that Meaghan would be the breeder for us. She was friendly, informative, and wants to keep in contact with us over the course of our cats' lives. I liked that. She also had two kittens that would be ready to be adopted. Pete and I thought it over and decided that we should go for it. It might have been a little soon (my heart still hurts and I still break down once in awhile about Tater), but I definitely don't regret adding these two boys to our family.

The boys look alike, but couldn't be more different. Finn is afraid of everything, and Thorin walked right up to the vacuum cleaner when I turned it on. Thorin likes to sleep under the covers by your feet, and Finn likes to sleep in your arms. Finn loves feathers, and Thorin prefers the cat dancer. The list goes on. We're enjoying getting to know the boys, even if it does mean getting woken up at 4 am by Finn because he needs snuggles!
 

So this is fall

I hate to be late.

I hate being late. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I think it looks bad, especially to important events.

Guess who missed a flight for the first time in her life. FOR A WORK TRIP. Ughhhhh. I am so mad at myself right now. I set two alarms. One didn't go off. I slept through the phone one, as well as multiple phone calls from Yolanda. My phone vibrated off the bed. My 22 year old self travelled all over the place with Harcourt, but 26 year old Lindsay can't get out of bed?! WTF is wrong with me!

Now I'm late to Cleveland, the keynote speaker, and I had to get another ticket.

This one goes down as my most unprofessional move ever. Awesome.

I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

It's been over a week since we lost the Tot. There are a few things that I never knew about losing an animal

You have to figure out what to do with the animal after. Tater's body is still at the vet's office. We bought an urn for her that will go in our someday garden. We had to figure out what to have engraved on it. She's getting privately cremated (if we didn't do that, we would get back the ashes of 50 other animals with hers, and if we're going to do this, that's not what either Pete or I want).  

You have to get a death confirmation from the vet to file with your pet insurance in hopes that they'll pay 70% of the vet bill. We spent about $800 in 24 hours to keep her alive, and it was 100% worth it. Unfortunately it didn't work.

I keep playing last Monday over and over in my head trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Why I didn't take her to the vet on Thursday when I was mad that they didn't take her blood when Pete took her Wednesday. But her blood was fine anyway, even when she was dying. How long was she sick? Why didn't we notice?

 None of the details really even matter now. We keep thinking we hear her in the house. I made a sandwich and she didn't appear. She doesn't watch me get ready. It's hard.

I'm sort of surprised at how hard. I always knew that if anything happened to her it would be bad for me, but I didn't expect this. My heart is bleeding. I can't concentrate at work. I'm not sleeping. My chest is tight and I can't breathe. I just hurt really bad and can't really do anything about it. I know it will get better in time, but it sucks.

One day at a time.

They say memories are golden, well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one else could fill.
If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane.
I'd walk the path to Heaven and bring you back again.
-Author Unknown

 

This Is How a Heart Breaks

Horror. Devastation. Heartbreak. Someone ripped my heart out, put a hole in it, and put it back. That's what this feels like.

Tater is dead.

I don’t know what happened.  Half of my heart has left me and I can never get it back.

I could go into details about how it happened, but it was so fast. Her little body couldn’t fight the pneumonia she unexpectedly came down with. 36 hours and she was gone. It was that fast. And I’m so angry at the vets, at the events that lead up to it, but I need to let all that go, and not put it in writing so that I don’t remember it.

All I will say is that it ended with me whispering in her ear, telling her she has been my best friend for the past six years. And then her heart stopped and she was gone. I know that she knew that Pete and I were there, because we gave her permission to go, and she went.

My heart aches. There was a time when Tater was the only thing that dragged me out of bed. Her insistence on being fed and need for snuggles and play time dragged feelings back out of me when nothing else was working. She was an angel and she saved my life. I have thanked God over the last six years for giving her to me.

So why did he take her away? Why was she able to save me, but I couldn’t save her? Why didn’t I see that she was sick?

She was my best friend. We came downstairs together every morning. She greeted me every time I came home. She waited outside the bathroom when I was showering. She wrote countless papers with me in college, moved with me through three apartments, snuggled me through a few bouts of the flu, and four different jobs. She listened to me attentively when I needed to vent, and responded with “Tater hugs”.  Her and Pete loved each other, and the three of us were our own little family. And now the house is empty and quiet, and I don’t hear the brush of her paws on the comforter, coming to sleep on my neck.

She was supposed to live until she was 17. Not 7.

I just can’t believe that this happened.

I can’t believe she’s gone.

 I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Tater you'll be. 
 

One thing to know before going to Philadelphia

If you arrive at the Philadelphia airport, and think you're going to take SEPTA into the center city, bring cash. Pete just jogged three terminals down to find an ATM because there are no token stations at the airport or ATMs near where the train is. Slightly poor planning on our part, but seriously poor planning by Philly's transit people. Want visitors to come to your city? Give them a way to easily get into it!